Stuck

I feel angry. All the time. Not really at anything in particular, mostly just how life is going and over what we've been going through. Everything is actually pretty fantastic in our lives right now, aside from the miscarriage and wanting another baby. We have a beautiful, healthy, happy, amazingly smart 2 year old who I couldn't imagine my life without, who along with my husband and family is the biggest reason I have any hope and happiness right now. My husband is so happy at his new job, he's being challenged, working on exciting projects all over the world, and loves the environment he's in and people he works with. My work has picked up also, which is great for us and for the company I work for. But there is this hole, I try to fill it with all sorts of things, play date's, grocery shopping, DIY projects around our home, time with my husband, time with Stella.... they fill it to a certain point, and then it creeps back open when things get quiet. Lately my anger comes from other parents. Bad parents. The ones who do not deserve children, the ones who shouldn't be allowed to be parents ever. Or the ones who don't really want to be parents, who just happened to get pregnant when they really didn't want to be, and then they half heartedly make their way through life with a child, wanting to live their old lives more than their new ones. This makes my heart ache, for those children affected by their parents ignorance to what a gift they've been given. For the parents who are too stupid and selfish and terrible to understand what they are missing out on with their children. For families who desperately want children, but cannot conceive them on their own or even at all. I feel like this is happening all around me lately, people turning up pregnant unexpectedly, in all sorts of situations all across the board. I hear stories being relayed that so-and-so are having a baby, it's a surprise, they were on birth control/didn't want a baby/weren't ready for a baby/not in a relationship/cant afford a child/ etc... and I want to scream and shake the person, tell them I don't want to hear about another oh so easily conceived baby being born into a less than thrilled parents arms. If were really being honest here, and i'm trying to be with myself, trying to let it all go and work through this anger block in my head and my heart, I've reached the point where I don't care to see any info on other babies being born. No thanks to the pregnancy announcements my friends are posting oh so often, the ones who post too many pictures of their growing bumps get unsubscribed from. I'll mentally make note if a baby is due soon, and give the obligatory "like" on their new baby photo, but then, block, I just cant handle seeing all those posts about baby this, and baby that. I'll even admit I might be being a bit hypocritical, I shared more than I probably should have of new baby photos and updates, and I realize it's not their fault they are all giddy with new baby excitement... but it hurts. And I'm fairly certain I had several people block or unfriend me on facebook who were struggling with their own baby making demons when Stella was born. I actually had one friend message me before she did, I knew her story, we had talked for a long time about our struggles. She is infertile, cannot conceive at all, and her husband refuses to adopt. My heart aches for her, I wish she could have her miracle, and I send thoughts often to her. So for now, I'm stuck in a place of anger and hurt. I try daily to process these unfamiliar feelings, but it doesn't seem to help. I hope with time it will, I am not this person, I am happy about all things, thrilled for everyone's exciting news, cry with them if it wasn't what they were expecting, I am emotional on many levels, but not usually anger. I realize it's hard for others to understand also, my husband doesn't really get it, he gave me the crazy look when I told him I was venting through blogging, I think more out confusion and concern for what i'm writing than anything else. But I'm hoping it's a step towards healing. Everyone processes these emotions differently and every situation is different. This seems to be how my heart and mind are handling such a sad event for us this time. I'm not necessarily ok with it, but I hope it will help in the long run of things. I hope my healing is in process, because I really, really want to feel whole again.

feeling out of sorts in every possible way...

For the past week and a half I've been traveling around Portland, Vancouver, and the Seattle/Auburn area to visit friends and family, all the while finally going through the most horrific miscarriage I've ever personally experienced (of my 3). I had postponed my trip hoping that a few extra days at home and going to Acupuncture a few more times would help get things moving, it had been almost a full month since we found out that the baby we thought was growing inside of me turned out to just be an empty growing sac. Well, postponement probably should have lasted a few days more, because the day I decided to drive from Boise to Portland also turned out to be the day that everything in my body decided to turn loose and exit in massive amounts. I'll spare the horribly bloody details, but will say that nobody ever warned me that it was going to feel like going through labor again, and that there would ever be that much blood exiting in a 12 hour time frame. I never want to go through anything like that again. Brent and I had had a few small arguments about my going in for a D&C (Dilation and Curettage, basically they dilate the cervix and suck out or scrape out the remnants of the pregnancy tissue, fun times), Neither of us liked the idea, but I was starting to think it would be necessary, Brent wasn't so sure. I am thankful it finally happened naturally, but I really really really!! wish I had stayed home one more day and had been in the comfort of my own home, my poor sister and her fiance were awesome, although they both missed the worst parts of the whole thing thankfully, I think my sis would have just called an ambulance :/ I also regret leaving my husband during this whole thing, I really needed him, and know he was extremely worried about what was happening to me, who was or wasn't taking care of our daughter (I was alone for most of the day with her, driving and then at my sisters), and overall just worried about the whole thing. It's taken me almost 2 weeks to get my strength back, and to almost completely stop bleeding, I'm so glad it's almost completely over, I feel like physically I can begin to heal and move on. Emotionally though? I feel like that might take some time. I also feel like I have a lot of things weighing on me, and I'm considering finding someone to talk to about everything, an emotional healer of sorts. I don't feel like i'll be able to happily move forward with trying for another baby anytime soon, and that scares me. I want another baby, but I have this huge fear building inside of me that this is going to happen again, or worse, we'll be further along next time, or that since it's all chromosomal something will end up being wrong with our next child, or that it won't live at birth. I'm constantly thinking of the what if's, and I don't want to be. I am not a dweller on the negative. I am very much the glass half full personality, and being this way has not been fun. I feel anxious often, if not all the time, I feel like I have a short temper (which I am usually super patient), and that i'm sorta going crazy at times when i'm exhausted or overtired. The past two months have just been a shotgun ride of hormones and emotions, and I think I've lost track of how to handle them all. Plus I've been dealing with some extended family stuff, exclusion and feeling like everyone is just pitying me and leaving me out of very important events because of what I've been going through. It's been extremely hurtful and left me feeling super self conscious which I've never felt before, i'm usually very confident in myself and my family, and this situation has just left me feeling alone and confused as to why someone would hurt me this way. My husband has been amazing through this all, I am so thankful for his love and understanding, and his knowing just what to do to usually make me feel better. He's been my rock through a lot of stuff lately, and I could not have made it through this all without him. I'm also incredibly thankful for Stella, She knows just when I need a hug or how to make me laugh, she is my life, and if she is all we are meant to have, both Brent and I could not have asked for a more perfect child, we love her so much it's scary. I also have a pretty great family, my mom and sister and even my dad in a way, have all been pretty amazing at listening if I need to vent. and my friends know when to check in on me at the right time it seems, I am so lucky to have such great friends. I really didn't mean for this to turn into one huge totally random paragraph of emotional vents, or to get all gushy at the end. I was just hoping that maybe if I wrote about all the shit I was feeling, some of it would stay on the page and i'd feel a little better... I'm not sure if it worked yet, but I sure wish it were that easy.

Day trip to Hagerman, Idaho

A couple weekends ago we packed up the family and headed to the Thousand Springs scenic byway for a little fun in the winter sun. I love Hagerman, Idaho, it is truly one of the most beautiful places I have ever seen. The springs in this long valley are fed by the glaciers and mountain runoff from up above the Sun Valley area, and they travel through a few hundred miles of underground deep canals, which means the water that comes out is pure and clear and amazing. It is so peaceeful hiking around this area and searching out the springs and waterfalls that fill the valley. This is one of those spots I'll love to return to over and over throughout the years. 

I love these two

We probably spent almost an hour checking out all the fish at the hatchery, Stell loved them!

The little got thirsty, what an awesome spot to sit and feed my child! 

She kept trying to climb down to the water in the big rocks, daddy had to keep her on track haha

See the houses in the background? this is the spot where the original "mountain man" lived! yea, the one who Robert Redford played in the movie Jeremiah Johnson way back in the 70's. Neat!

wtf life

I needed somewhere to vent, to get this all out, to say what i'm feeling and let it all go with a huge sigh and let the weight lift off of my body that is so achy and tired. I'm debating not posting it, but what good would that be? How would that help my healing if I don't share what i'm feeling and what is going on in my life. I hurt. My heart aches, my body is sore and i'm exhausted. I found out on Friday that the baby I thought I had been carrying in my womb is actually just a sac, a blighted ovum she called it, there was nothing there. I was measuring a week behind, which means it's stopped growing, I was supposed to be 10 weeks, not 9w1d. I had a feeling earlier in the week, I woke up one morning and I felt normal. All of my pregnancy symptoms were gone, and that worried me. We were so excited and hopeful to see our baby, Stella's sibling, our second child, and the second she touched the wand to my abdomen I knew, I saw nothing, no flicker, just a black hole outlined with gray. I was so thankful for my little girl in that second, she had wanted to nurse, she felt uncertain of the situation, as did I, and she needed to be skin to skin with her mama, I appreciated that so much. I let her lay across me and nurse while the tech checked things out and took picture after picture of nothing, the nothing that was supposed to be our special something. Then the midwife came in, and the tech started over again, showing her the nothing inside of me, and confirming with a second set of eyes what we all already knew, there was no baby.
I've decided to let things happen naturally with my body. I wish there was a switch I could flip to tell it to just flush things out and miscarry already, why delay the inevitable? Maybe it knows that my husband is out of town this week, and I am terrified of going through this alone. Maybe it is waiting until the hormones leave my body completely. Maybe it still thinks it's carrying a baby and supposed to be holding onto it. I want to know why my body is failing me. Why have I had 2 miscarriages in the last 4 months. Why can't I stay pregnant and have a baby? Why did this get so far along and why haven't I miscarried yet, the other 2 I've had were so much earlier and spontaneous. With Stella I did acupuncture through the first trimester, I'm afraid I'll have to go that route again this time, I can't seem to do this on my own for some reason. I can't help feeling defeated. I am healthy, I am young, why do I have a hard time creating a baby? I know I am blessed already, because I have a healthy child, and I know some couples struggle with fertility for years and years and through treatment after treatment, and I don't want to offend or hurt anyone with this post. I just need to process, and get all of my emotions off my chest, and the biggest block in my head right now is what the heck is wrong with my body. I'm so nervous about the what ifs, what if this keeps happening? what if we don't have another baby? what if were meant to have only one child?
I am somewhat comforted and yet concerned by the information Mr. Google gave me about what a blighted ovum is. It is caused by a chromosomal abnormality, which is usually due to missing chromosomes or an incomplete helix. I loved this topic in college and I remember it sort of well, so it was easy for me to understand. Something wasn't right with our chromosomes connecting. That's also what concerns me, why won't our chromosomes mix well? Why can't they form a perfect little human? We are both healthy, and I feel like families who are doing all the right things, eating right, active, good people, those are the ones who struggle, I know so many married couples, happy, hard working, good people, who struggle to conceive, and it's so frustrating. I know eventually I will think positively again, but for now, i'm going to focus on my existing child, not the one i'm hopeful for in the future. I'm going to spoil her this week, not only because it's almost her birthday but because she is very much loved, and she is helping me heal so much more than she knows. She just this minute climbed up next to me and wrapped her little arms around my neck for a tight squeeze, and it made us both smile so big. My heart melts for her, and I am so thankful she is with us.

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